Saturday, August 10, 2013
I occasionally dream about my dad. He passed a little over a year ago. Specifically last night I did as well. He always is having fun in my dreams and we keep our distance from each other especially more recently because last year around this time I had a dream about him and I was uncontrollably crying in the dream and I almost couldn't breathe. I was trying to explain to him how much I missed him and I couldn't even get a word out. He was avoiding me in the dream because he knows how much I am broken. He didn't want to see how sad I was because it hurt him. It hurt my chest and it felt like physically in this world I was tensing it so much. Then I woke up. I guess it kinda demonstrates my feelings pretty accurately.
Last night I didn't get to hug him. I wanted to but I didn't want to start crying again. So this time I was trying to be strong and only cry without him noticing. I was riding in a car driving towards him and I can see him. He was so happy again and I was so happy to see him and how much I miss him overwhelms my whole body I can feel it from head to toe, then the water works started. I just cry and cry and cry but this time I was trying to do it in a silent kind of way looking out the window the opposite way because I knew that we were getting closer to my dad and I didn't want to make him feel bad. He was smiling and he could almost tell that I was crying. I can feel it physically in this world trying to keep it all in. Then I woke up.
You know it might seem sad these dreams. I don't mind them and on some level I feel like they are real.
In other news I am almost ready to run the good ole marathon!! Just one more week of a teensy bit of running and I am finished!! Yay! So excited for that. Here is a 4:30 wake up call to run a 20 mile. I kinda look happy that early don't I, but I will just chalk it up to deliriously tired happy for lack of sleep (I don't know why but when I wake up this early I seem to keep waking up to check the clock a couple of times). So what has been on the gauntlet this week is to sleep really really good and eat really really good and I have to say that that is always a good decision and perhaps I should always do that right? :)! Bring on the Dreams!